The Mind of Olivia Drab

Unforeseen

We ALL know what today is. Hallmark, every florist in the world, Denny's, you name it, they are there to remind you that today is Mother's Day. In the distant past, I treated Mother's Day as the day to honor my Mom. In the recent past, it was a day to mourn that which I was not--a mother. I figured that if I ever had a child, the melancholia would pass. Last year this time I was pregnant and celebrated Mother's Day, with me as the star of the show for the first time. I was a mother in the most basic definition of "mom". It was pretty expected that the first Mother's Day after the baby arrived would be even better.

We took a drive yesterday. It was not only the day before Mother's Day, but also one of our "miniversaries" that we celebrate the 10th of every month. It was a nice day, so we took a leisurely drive to Estes Park and part of the Rocky Mountain National Park. It was beautiful and cold, as a snowstorm was moving through. So in an entirely spontaneous move, we decided to rent a cabin for the night. No spare clothes, no overnight bag, just us. It was really cool. The bed was pretty small, so Lauren and I bunked there while Brad took the couch (sorry, Brad.) I slept... um... none. Lauren was twitchy all night, and I... well, I couldn't shut off.

Something happened that I didn't expect. While I am overjoyed to be the mother of this wonderful little girl, I did find myself feeling a little sad. After all the years of this day meaning a million things that equated to sadness, I have found myself unable to let go fully. I look at Lauren, the most fascinating and funniest little creature I've ever known, and just knowing her makes me think about the other nine who didn't survive. I miss them, the beings I hardly knew. I honestly wasn't expecting these feelings today. I think deep down, I expected that having Lauren would cure the pain, as unrealistic as that is. The pain is certainly far less, no question. I couldn't love that little girl any more if I tried... but I suppose the mourning will always be there.

It's all in the spin

I take allergy shots twice a week. This morning, in the waiting room, another (male) patient asked me, "Is that your daughter or are you just the nanny?"

Now, there are multiple ways I can interpret this sort of question, depending on my mood:

PESSIMIST:
"You have a very dark complexion and dark hair. You can't POSSIBLY be related to that fair-skinned, fair-haired, blue-eyed child. OBVIOUSLY you are just the nanny, but I will be semi-polite about it."

OPTIMIST:
"You are quite a young and fit woman! There's no way you gave birth to a baby that recently!"

GROUCH:
"I really like to ask personal questions and stick my nose in where it doesn't belong."

SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS:
"Your daughter is like a new star, as bright as the sun. You must be her mother because you, too, are sunshiney and pretty! But I should probably ask if you are the nanny, just in case. I am quite sure that's not the case, however."

CREEPED OUT:
"Hi, I'm a pervert..."

STILL CREEPED OUT:
"Hi, I represent a child modeling agency (non-reputable)..."

BLAISE:
"I'm just making conversation, and I'm not really interested."

I wonder which he meant...

Renal Ultrasound Eve

Tomorrow is the day we find out what Lauren's Bad Kidney has been doing the last six months. One of two scenarios will play out:

Fonzie Scenario: Bad kidney has accepted its fate and has begun to wither away, a useless but harmless wad of quiet tissue that will eventually fade into oblivion. No harm, no foul. No surgical intervention required. Pinky Tuscadero and Fonzie spend a lot of time dancing and riding motorcycles. Ralph Mouth says something witty and Fonzie replies, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeey!!"

Creepy Sad Clown Scenario: Bad kidney refuses to accept the fact that has never and will never filter the body of toxins. It hasn't accepted that it is useless and remains full-sized, utilizing Lauren's blood supply for a lost cause. Surgical intervention is required to remove bad kidney. Richie Cunningham is arrested under false DUI charges and as a newly hardened criminal dresses as a creepy sad clown and shoots up Al's. Fonzie makes no appearance in this episode.

Fingers crossed for Fonzie.

UPDATE:

Potsie Scenario: We didn't count on the Potsie Scenario. That's the one where Potsie belts out a boring tune and then refuses to leave Al's, even after Al sells the diner to make way for a condo development.

The kidney is basically the same size, although the adjoining cysts have shrunk. Dr. Barry Gibb wants to keep an eye on the situation before proceeding to surgery. We return when Lauren is a year old and get another ultrasound. If the kidney is still the same size, it will be laparoscopically removed (like Mother, like Daughter).

Beautiful Weather

A photo from our trip we recently took to Texas.

Still here.

Both Lauren and I are battling a cold this week. It sucks hearing your baby coughing and you can't do anything about it. I'm also up to my armpits in deadlines, so updating the old blog is hard to do. Just wanted to say we're still here, alive and hanging on.

*cough*

Come on, fess up...

When you first heard about the pregnant man on the news, your immediate reaction was:

a) Good for them! I wish them a happy and healthy nine months.
b) A pregnant man? Wow, what an ever-changing world we live in.
c) What??? You have GOT to be kidding me. Oh, yeah, phhht, that figures. I have been trying for ____ years but some MAN waltzes in saying "whooptee doo-dah world, I'm freaking pregnant!" Yeah, great, thanks a lot WORLD. Thanks a lot, GOD. Why don't you just give me a giant freaking paper cut and dump an assload of lemon juice in it? First, we get a drug to give men BONERS and now MEN can get pregnant, wtf?? ....What? He used to be a woman? Has all the parts? What-the-fuck-ever, I have all the parts too. Dammit, I need a drink...

Yeah, that's the one I went with, too.*

*I also feel a & b, but neither was my immediate reaction.

I'm mush

Traffic and the bad drivers therein still piss me off. But that's about it.

I have become a much softer version of myself since Lauren's birth. Things just don't get to me as they once did. It could be that Rennie is such a fireball of energy I have nothing left to devote to fury as the days of yore. It could be that all the calories I have in my body goes to her, because the girl can eat. But I doubt they are the reasons for my absence of malice. Truth is, I am completely and totally happy. My body is still falling apart. I'm still getting bad news about my treatment options, but whatever. I'm just so grateful that my body held on long enough to build HER and maintain her nutritional needs that the rest is incidental.

Fact is, that Brad and I walk around with a dumb grin most of the time, because of this little girl. When I was in the middle of miscarriage wasteland, everything sucked so badly. I was never sure when the horror and sadness would end, or if it ever would. Now, retrospectively, all of that anguish was worth it to get the little girl with the stormy blue eyes and dimpled chin. I only wish I could go back in time and tell my past self to hang on because my fortitude would be rewarded. It might have made the years and the pain easier to bear.

....I swear, I friggin' celebrate the girl's poopy diapers like she craps gold. That's how bad it is....

Now excuse me, I have to go change a golden diaper.

Atlanta

Just wanting to say to everyone in Atlanta who was affected by last night's storm, our hearts are with you. I hope everyone is well.

We are still awaiting news of the fate of our house, since it was along the tornado's path, across the street from Cabbagetown.

Crappy Organ Hangman

G A L L S T O N E

Anyone want to take a guess as to the missing letters? Just highlight over everything to learn the answer to my ailments.

The doctor wants to remove yet another of my organs. I told him I don't want surgery, and it totally seems like overkill to take a gall bladder for ONE lousy gallstone. He disagreed. "Where there's one, there's the potential for more down the road. Also, one can cause lots of damage. If you have one, you have gall bladder disease. One gallstone can get lodged in your bile duct, your liver, your pancreas. Can cause lots of problems. I recommend removal, but it's entirely up to you."

Right. Up to me. Bastard.

I asked about shockwave therapy. Noooo, that could cause it to explode into teensy weensy pieces that could be even more dangerous. Kinda like that shitty Bruce Willis/Ben Affleck asteroid movie. Or was it the better Frodo Baggins version where everyone had to die in a fiery nuclear explosion by ramming the asteroid with their ship? Shockwave therapy, as cool as it sounds, does not involve a special radiation that gives you the power of invisibility or fiery flight.

So what about bile salts? Oooooooh no, that could take a couple years to show any improvement and by that time I could be dead or WORSE. The gallstone could rise up out of my body and kill my family and friends before coming after me.

So my options are surgical removal of yet another crappy organ, or NOT to have surgical removal of another crappy organ and lay awake at night wondering if a person could die in the night of an acute gallstone attack. Or wooooooooorse (dum dum DUUMMMMMM!!!) Or! I could be cryogenically frozen until such a time when men's flacid penises aren't the central focus of medicinal science, but how to fix a fucking gall bladder without removing it IS.

The other fun part is that if I do have it removed, I cannot nurse Lauren for 24 hours. This presents a few problems. 1. She won't take a bottle. 2. She will only go to sleep at night when laying next to me, nursing. Yes, it is my own problem I created, but it's there, and that's how it is. 3. I don't waaaaaaaaaaaanna!

Not sure wtf to do here.

"You're only MOSTLY screwed up..."

Bloodwork is back. My cholesterol and calcium levels are back to normal, but the liver enzymes are still high. I actually got a real number this time. Normal range is 9-52. Mine was 273 the first time and now 130. It's going down, but still HIGH.

What does this mean? Hell if I know. I guess we will know more after the ultrasound Thursday. The gallstones could still be the culprit. Could be the return of Jimmy Hoffa, since I know how he likes to hide out in my innards and wreak havoc. Could be that I've been abducted by aliens and injected with bad liver juju (rumor has it that it's their favorite human pet trick after anal probes.)

Whatever. Don't know. All I know is that I have two more days to wait, and in the meantime I can't take Tylenol, eat burgers or have a glass of wine. Boohoo me.